As a San Diego family mediator, I work with couples throughout California — virtually — to create agreements that hold.
We're living separately but not ready to file. Do we need any formal agreements?⌄
You don't have to be divorced — or even certain you want to be — to benefit from having things in writing. Separation is often the longest and most financially and emotionally complicated chapter of a divorce process. The agreements below aren't about giving up. They're about keeping the peace, protecting everyone involved, and making sure that whatever comes next, you handled this stage thoughtfully.
What is a cohabitation agreement, and do we need one?⌄
In California, maintaining two separate households is expensive — sometimes prohibitively so. If you're trying to live separately under one roof while you figure out next steps, a cohabitation agreement creates a set of clear, mutually agreed rules for how that works: who pays what, who has access to which spaces, how you handle shared expenses, and what happens as circumstances change. It won't resolve everything, but it can take a significant amount of daily friction off the table while you focus on the bigger decisions.
Should we have a parenting plan even if we aren't divorced yet?⌄
Yes — and the sooner the better. A parenting plan during separation establishes where the children are at all times and who is responsible for them. It also matters legally. If divorce through the courts is a possibility, a parenting plan created now should include clear language stating that this agreement is created solely for the purposes of your current separation and is not intended to establish legal precedent or be used as evidence in any future proceedings. Without that language, informal arrangements made during separation can be used to argue for a permanent custody arrangement you never consciously agreed to.
What is a financial step-down plan, and when do we need one?⌄
Sometimes couples are completely committed to divorce but need time to financially decouple. One spouse may need to stay on the other's health insurance while they return to school or build toward financial independence. A financial step-down plan captures who is responsible for what, for how long, and what the transition timeline looks like. It gives both of you a roadmap and a way to hold each other accountable as you consciously decouple, without relitigating every detail every time something comes up.
Does our religion or culture have requirements that affect divorce or remarriage?⌄
This is the right time to raise that question — and many people don't realize it until it's too late. Some religious and cultural traditions have specific requirements for a marriage to be formally dissolved, or conditions that affect the right to remarry within that tradition. These requirements are separate from the civil divorce process and won't automatically be addressed by a court. If your faith or cultural background has specific requirements, I can help make sure they are explicitly addressed in your agreements — so that nothing is left unresolved when the civil process is complete.
What if our situation involves domestic violence or safety concerns?⌄
Separation can be one of the most dangerous periods in a relationship where violence or control has been present. If that's part of your situation, I want to address it directly.
If domestic violence is a factor
Mediation can still be an option, but only with the right protocols in place. All of my mediations are virtual, which creates a layer of physical separation. We carefully consider whether both parties should ever be in the same Zoom room, and I will never leave you alone and unregulated if a session becomes difficult. If you already have restraining orders in place, please bring them to your consultation so we can make sure no orders are violated.
If coercive control is a factor
Mediation is not the right process. Mediation requires that both people can make decisions freely — if that freedom has been systematically removed, a court is better equipped to protect you. I will tell you that directly rather than let you find out mid-session.
If you need support from someone who specializes in exactly this, please reach out to
Tina Lynn Huggins, a divorce coach specializing in toxic and narcissistic relationships:
divorcecoachspecialist.com · 1-719-580-6684 · coachtinalynn@gmail.com. A joint consultation is available on request.